"Finding Joy in Singleness" by Faith Miller
Humans are social creatures. A simple Google search will show that interaction with other people is as vital to living as food and water. While it may not always seem like it for some of us introverts out there, our brains are wired for human connection. Us CFers know more than anyone how important it is to connect with others thanks to our good old “6-feet” rule that prohibits us from interacting with each other unless it’s online. So it’s only natural that so many of us aim to date, get engaged, and marry.
I’m a hopeless romantic through and through. I write a lot of fanfiction where a single character in a movie or TV show gets a love interest (#proudgeek), and I love a good well-done romance film (which is not all those Hallmark movies from the last five years; sorry, not sorry). I’m one of those girls who has imagined and planned parts of her wedding ever since I was a child. I even bought a wedding dress five years ago because when the opportunity to buy the dream dress for $27 comes along, you snatch that thing up. Physical touch is my love language so I’m a big hugger. Even as an adult, I still sometimes snuggle up with my mom and dad on the couch when I visit them. The moment I feel attracted to a guy, even if it’s within 30 minutes of meeting him, I’m the kind of person from sitcoms who envisions our wedding and life together.
But at nearly 30 years old, I have never been in a serious relationship.
In this day and age, dating and trying to find that “special someone” seems like a truly impossible task. I’ve tried dating apps, but there’s no way for me to tell if I’m connecting with someone through a phone screen. It’s also pretty hard to meet people and just make friends as an adult much less meet someone and start dating.
As much as I crave to be in relationship, in the past few years, I’ve worked to find joy and positivity in the single life. For example, I have the freedom to pack up and travel anywhere I want at any time. I can spend my money however I please (after paying all the bills of course). I have a nice quiet place to retreat to after a long loud day. I can belt musicals in my workroom at 11:00pm.
As I look back at my past self in high school and college, it’s easy for me to see that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I was extremely insecure and placed all my worth on my relationship status. Because I was single, I must’ve been undesirable and unimportant. But of course, nothing could be further from the truth. And it wouldn’t have been fair to any boyfriend I had to be the one to have to constantly affirm and reassure me that I was important and valued.
Especially in the years since I’ve graduated college, I’ve learned so much about myself in my time of being single. I started working out regularly which may not have improved my lung function as much as I would’ve liked but has helped me get rid of that “freshman-15” that was hanging on for a while and shaped and toned my body. I’ve worked hard to grow in my passion projects which has given me confidence in my abilities as a creator and who I am in everyday life. I have learned how to properly communicate with people and make the first move in a conversation. I have learned how to truly love and appreciate myself so that I look in the mirror and see a beautiful confident woman looking back.
I firmly believe that to be in a healthy relationship, you have to love yourself first before you can truly love someone else, and that you should know who you are as a person so that you don’t lose the beautiful things that make you you in your significant other. Being in a relationship will change you, of course, but those changes should all be for the better so that you are growing together.
That’s not to say that being single is always easy. I have four siblings, all of whom are married or engaged which can make me feel lonely or left behind at family functions.
On especially draining days or after rough doctor’s appointments or during long hospital stays, I wish more than anything that I had someone to hold me. I wish I had someone to go to haunted houses with. I wish I had someone to couple-cosplay with at comic-cons. I wish I had someone to share exciting moments with as they happen (so thanks to my instructor Betty who gets massive info dumps during our sessions!)
But let’s face it, being in a relationship isn’t all rainbows and sunshine all the time either. No relationship is perfect 100% of the time. While there are romantic moments worthy of the movies, there will be fights, tears, sleepless nights, and break-ups. Relationships are all about sacrifice and compromise. It’s a package deal. You don’t get the big romantic kiss in the rain without the heated arguments too.
It’s the same with being single. There’s freedom and quiet and more freedom, but there’s also moments of loneliness as well.
So while I’ll always have those feelings and desires to be married, in my singleness, I don’t place my worth on whether or not I have a boyfriend, a fiancé, or a husband. I know that I am a strong, successful, beautiful woman. Maybe I’ll fulfill the dream of getting married one day, or maybe I’ll be single forever. Either way, I will find contentment with where I am and find the joy of the single life.
