"Misinterpretation" by Elena Goodrow

Misinterpretation is what I consider one of the worst things in life. To me, there is nothing as frustrating as someone not understanding what you’re trying to say/do. I’ve been misinterpreted in so many ways throughout my life, and it will continue to happen. I let it swarm through my mind and fester within me until I get so anxious I don’t know what to do with myself. Yes, I know that this is not the best way to go about it. I have a particularly difficult time accepting the fact that I will never get my point across the way I want to to everybody.

Growing up neurodivergent and undiagnosed meant that I was misinterpreted all the time. Every day of my life I was saying things that came out wrong. I lost nearly all my friends in middle school because of a rumor and a petty argument. It all boiled down to me saying something that was taken the wrong way. I had a hard time making friends because other kids found me to be “weird” and I was told I didn’t take humor well. I guess people want humor in a childhood friendship. I was lacking at the time. The only people I found myself connecting with were adults. I seemed to be able to speak their language. I was very straightforward and overly professional, even in casual interactions. Adults seemed to have an understanding of me that other kids did not. However, this understanding didn’t last long. I quickly discovered that no matter how grown up I acted, adults would always see me as a little kid. I kept telling myself, “Once I grow up everyone will take me seriously.” Well… let’s just say that was NOT the case. I’m an adult now and I’m very rarely taken seriously by those that do not know me well. 

When I was younger I worked so hard to learn how to talk to people. I read books about making jokes, public speaking, and how to engage in small talk. I will attach a photo of one of my favorites that I bought at Barnes and Noble when I was about 9 I believe. 

I desperately wanted to fit in with other people even though they felt like strange beings from another planet. Eventually I saw that other people viewed ME as the strange being. No matter how hard I tried, the things I said were constantly misinterpreted. Maybe it was my tone? My facial expression? I practiced saying things in the mirror to make sure my face looked nice and approachable. I tried speaking to my stuffed animals. It felt like nothing was working.

After lots of time, lost friendships, lost family members, new schools, new friends, more lost friendships, and lots of learning, I slowly started to figure out the whole small talk thing. But it all felt so fake. I started figuring out the right things to say that wouldn’t make anybody upset. I started to learn societal expectations and how to adhere to them. Unfortunately, learning how to fit in and say the “right” thing is a normal part of life. For example, why does EVERYBODY ask “How are you?” and why does everybody just say good?? The random person on the street doesn’t actually care how you’re doing, they just say that because it’s what we think we’re supposed to do. It baffles me sometimes, but I guess I am just the strange being from another planet. 

I might never understand human society, I don’t think anyone truly will. I will always be misunderstood, along with everyone else. The things I say will always be misinterpreted, just like everyone else. This is a reminder to myself, and to you if you relate, to not get caught up in what other people are thinking. You just have to do what feels right to you. The right people will understand. The right people will stick around.