"Strength and Growth" by Courtney

Sometimes I feel like I am holding onto life so tightly it’s like I am trying to hold water in my hands by squeezing, instead of gently cupping my hands together to make a bowl. 

I’ve always struggled with anxiety, although I am from a generation that did not have language for what I was experiencing when I was young. There was also the struggle with emotional regulation, focus, motivation, and ups and downs when it came to my mood. It felt like something was inherently broken within me, and I could never figure out what it was. In my younger years, I did my very best to run away from the discomfort of my inner environment and distract myself as best as I could. Friends, sports, sugar, and the computer (before the days of the smart phone) became my favourite ways to forget what I was experiencing. As I got older and became a legal drinking age, I began to binge drink with my university friends and fill my body with unhealthy foods, while I filed my mind with unhealthy thoughts. I was in a constant state of craving: let me be anywhere but here; here being the present moment. This was all subconscious however, and I had little understanding of what I was experiencing. In 2014, my body began to shut down from the years of constant inner turmoil and the unhealthy coping strategies I had chosen. I was forced to make some changes, but they were made reluctantly and somewhat resentfully. 

My body did start getting stronger and I gave birth to my first child, in 2017. After having my baby girl, Cooper, my mental health took a turn for the worse, and I decided the only way to heal myself was to hold onto life even more tightly. I became extremely strict and regimented with how I lived my life each day. This led to me spiraling and feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed with where I had found myself. I was desperate to find some relief, however, I was still not quite ready to accept help from appropriate professional channels – a decision I must look at now with humour and empathy for myself. Not every moment was bad though, and I had periods of clarity and ease in life, however, it was never consistent. From 2022-2024, I gave birth to two little boys, Ace & Jett, and found having three children to care for was the push I needed to finally focus on doing the true work within myself. 

I am still in the early days of therapy to address the mental health struggles I deal with, and I am proud of myself for doing the hard work (and truly, it’s the hardest thing I have ever done). This work is now enabling me to speak to my body with love and compassion, such as in this moment, when I am on at home IV antibiotics and trying to rest while I chase my kiddos around. It is allowing me to be more patient with my kids when they are having big feelings, and be a better partner to my wonderful husband Matt. 

I find myself in a place now where I am seeking peace and contentment without striving for it. I am working on letting go of my expectations of what I should be and do in this life and simply enjoy the experience of what is – even when that means sickness, discomfort or sadness. Being still, finding quiet within and surrendering to what is, is now the path of life I find myself on. It is a challenging path and one I did my best to avoid, but I find myself more at home in my body than I have ever felt before. I still have cravings and turn to distraction at times, but there is an awareness I have now I didn’t before, and I am happier doing the work than not. It’s taken years, but I am uncovering my true Self within.

We all have challenges we face and different lessons to learn. I am proud of you, my sisters and brothers, for waking up each day – this life is not for the weak! Our inherent goodness and love can change our lives and change the world. We are all in this together, and if you find yourself struggling, know you are not alone.